Advice columnist Eric Thomas weighs in on 12-year friendship ending over romantic behavior

R. Eric Thomas, a syndicated advice columnist based in Philadelphia, published a new column on October 27 that addresses a reader's dilemma regarding a long-standing female friendship.

The reader, signing as Out of Like with My Friend, has known the subject for 12 years. The two women share interests and have traveled together for adventures. The subject was previously married and is now widowed, but she recently started dating a new boyfriend.

The writer describes the subject's current behavior toward her partner as a repetition of her previous marriage. Specific actions include belittling the man, calling him a dork, mocking his jokes, and treating him with a superior attitude. The reader states that the man tolerates these demands, which causes the writer to lose respect for the subject.

The core question posed to Thomas is whether the writer should explain her reasons for ending the friendship. The reader acknowledges that some people view the relationship as a private matter between the couple. However, the writer feels that honest feedback is a standard among friends, yet she doubts the subject will receive it constructively given her controlling style.

Thomas advises the reader to define the goal of her feedback before speaking. If the primary objective is to force the subject to change her behavior toward her boyfriend, Thomas suggests the reader may be overstepping. He notes that while the interaction may appear unhealthy to an outside observer, it might function effectively for the couple involved.

If the goal is to explain the decision to end the friendship, Thomas says the reader is justified. He recommends using an "I" perspective to describe the experience. This approach involves stating how the writer felt when witnessing the interactions, rather than judging the subject's character directly.

Thomas adds that the subject may not feel compelled to change, which is not the writer's responsibility. The explanation helps the subject understand why the 12-year bond has hit a rough patch. This conversation may allow both parties to view each other differently.

The column also includes a second letter from a reader named Been There. This writer shares her experience of telling her adult children that their parents grew apart after a divorce nearly 50 years ago. She emphasizes that their father was a good man and that they all loved the children. This approach allowed the families to celebrate holidays together with many grandchildren. Thomas agrees that parents do not need to manage the relationship between an ex and an adult child, and that truth told with dignity is the best option.