Eric Thomas advises sister to reveal family secrets to relatives

R. Eric Thomas told a reader on Tuesday that she should stop keeping two decades-old family secrets. The correspondent, writing under the pen name Sister With Secrets, asked the Philadelphia-based advice columnist whether she should disclose information about her two deceased or estranged brothers. One brother fathered a child during his teenage years. The other molested the first brother's daughter over an eight-year span. Thomas argued that silence no longer serves the family's best interests.

Thomas distinguished the two situations in his response published in The Denver Post. He classified the unknown half-sibling as a secret but labeled the molestation a crime. He stated that the niece deserves justice and that the reader has an obligation to speak the truth if the niece did not request confidentiality. The columnist noted that the family's current strategy of distancing themselves from the younger brother protects the niece but does not address the root problem. Thomas said the family owes the niece support for her healing and owes the younger brother's wife the truth about their marriage.

The reader explained that only she knew about the older brother's teenage daughter before he died. She also noted that the younger brother's wife does not know why he lacks a relationship with the family. Thomas suggested that the wife likely needs to know who she married if she has not already figured it out. He added that the reader owes nothing to the brother and that her primary responsibility lies with the niece's recovery.

Regarding the older brother's unknown daughter, Thomas pointed to the increasing use of genetic testing to reveal family ties. He stated that the family will likely discover the connection eventually through DNA services. Thomas encouraged the reader to share the information now so the family can decide whether to seek out their half-sibling. He observed that people often regret lost time when they discover new family members.

The exchange appears in a column where Thomas also responded to a reader named Civic Engagement. That reader argued that school board members do not need children to serve effectively. Civic Engagement stated that board members are elected public officials responsible for overseeing community education and managing taxpayer money. The reader listed specific questions a good board member should ask, including whether resources reach the classroom and whether teachers receive necessary support. Thomas agreed with the points, thanking the reader for sharing the perspective.

A third reader, City Mouse, contacted Thomas regarding a previous letter about family interventions. City Mouse, age 69, described growing up in small-town Indiana and moving to Chicago after college. The reader said their parents, now 87, still hold interventions to get them to move back. Thomas responded that healthy familial relationships involve acknowledging an adult's autonomy. He advised that loved ones sometimes make choices that differ from their own, but that does not make those choices bad. He suggested that family members should know when to say they are rooting for the individual.